the Name of this Feeling
by SaoirseSpeir
Summary: Zuko doesn't know what to call this feeling. He also doesn't know how to handle Katara after her...mudfight with Toph. And he doesn't know how to talk to people. Zuko doesn't know much in general. This should be labeled angst, really. ZK/TAish


**The Name of This Feeling**

**[Zutara, Taang, slightSukka]**

A/N: Hello, SS here. But I guess you probably already know me...sort of... [/endquotetheft]

Ah, Zuko. That kid could not _get_ any more adorkable. He is the Prince of Angsty Adorkableness. It doesn't hurt that I happen to have grown fond of the Zutara pairing. I know, I should be working on my other fics, namely the multi-chaptered NYS one that is currently sitting at...one chapter. I've written most of the second chapter, I swear! I've written some cute-ish scenes! I just can't finish them...(sigh) I should probably get a beta...or stick to one chapter/drabble posts...

Anyway, my first tread into the Avatar fandom. My first attempt at the overworked (beautiful, epic, delightful) beast that is Zutara. Set sometime between TWAT and The Southern Raiders.

**Warnings** for...a(a)ngst? Strangely/Badly written maybecouldbepossibly romance? The lack of adorkable!Zuko? The emphasis on paternal!Zuko? _The distinct lack of Iroh_? o__O

Apologies for any OOC-ness. Please let me know what you think, what you liked/hated, what/who I could've done better. Thank you!

* * *

"What the...HEY!"

Katara's voice snapped out across the chamber like a whip, and four boys stiffened and turned, guilt scrawled across their features.

"Uh...uh, Katara, I can explain..." Aang began meekly, his previously jubilant stance collapsing into itself as she marched closer.

"Explain? Oh, you don't need to do that Aang. I can see. I can see _perfectly_ well what's going on." Katara stopped in front of them, hands on hips, narrowed eyes surveying the mess and destruction in front of her. Mud piled upon mud to create an elaborate network of slides and dripping midair puddles. Holes had been opened in the wall, and as these too were lined with mud, Katara deduced that the slide network ran further than what she saw in front of her. She pointed to Aang first.

"Mudslide playground." She said grimly. Aang hung his head in shame. Katara's accusatory finger moved to Haru, who cringed and appeared to brace himself.

"This much mud is pretty hard to come by in an upside-down air temple. I sense the work of an Earth-bender. And..."

Katara's gaze landed on Teo and the Duke, huddled together on Teo's wheelchair, dripping mud from what seemed to be every pore on their skin. Katara frowned. Teo whimpered and shrank in his seat. The Duke's eyes began watering.

"S-Sorry Katara! We're sorry! We'll clean up, promise! Please don't be mad!!" Fat tears rolled down the young boy's face, leaving tracks of pale, freckled skin. Katara sighed, arm dropping.

"It's ok, Duke." Water gloved her hand and kneeling, she began cleaning Duke's face. "I don't blame you for getting caught up in the schemes of older boys who were _meant to be practicing fire-bending._"

"I _was_ practicing!" Aang protested. "But then Sokka said our supplies were running low and Zuko and him went to get more!"

Katara raised an eyebrow. "And doesn't Zuko normally leave you activities to practice until he gets back?"

"W-Well..."

"Exactly. Honestly, Aang, I don't know what got into you." Katara stood and cast one last severe glare around. "Now, I want you all to clean this up—"

"Uh, actually, Katara—"

"No excuses, I want this place spotless before din—"

"HEADS UP BELOWWWW—!!"

The boys scattered, and Katara only had time to spin around, eyes wide, before a human cannonball shot out of one of the holes and slammed into her with the speed (and force) of a green lighting bolt.

"Oof!!" Her voice managed as all the air was shoved out of her lungs and her body crashed into one of the mud puddles. A companion grunt came from the small body that was struggling to her feet.

"Agni above, I _said_—hey, you ok?" Toph tapped a foot, and Katara was raised from the mud, breathing raggedly.

"So...Toph...you're in this too...makes...more sense now..." The water-bender pushed muddy, unkempt strands of hair out of her face and wriggled free of the mud vice. "I suppose you were the one that got Aang out of training with a "let's have _fun!_", huh?"

"My voice is _not_ that high-pitched!" Toph sniffed, inwardly grimacing at Katara's pin-point accuracy. "Besides, Aang needs to relax. An afternoon of fun isn't gonna kill him."

"Aang _needs_ to master fire-bending. He can't afford to waste time rolling around in mud! Look at this place!" She swung her arm around at the mud drying on the walls, the floors, in the make-shift tunnel slides...

"Yeah, pretty good, isn't it? Haru helped, but Aang and I did the master design." Toph smirked as she heard a palm meet face. Sweetness was _always_ easy – and fun – to rile up.

* * *

Zuko shifted the basketful of fruit more comfortably onto his shoulder as he walked down the long temple hallway. When he, Sokka and that Kyoshi warrior had returned from gathering food, there was no one at the campsite. Which was a surprise, really, since there usually was _someone_, whether it was one of the boys, attending to Appa, Toph or Aang practicing bending, or Katara, setting up the pot for lunch or dinner.

He guessed they had all found something interesting deeper in the temple, and at the urges of Sokka (_who clearly wanted some more 'alone-time' with Suki_) Zuko set off in search of them. Really, it was irresponsible of them to leave the front, with Appa and Momo, completely unattended. What if a passing warship had spotted the great white bulk and seeing no one there, decided to kidnap the bison? Or launch a surprise attack? They could get hurt and—

Zuko paused. Since when did _he_ worry about the group's safety? He was only here to train the Avatar fire-bending, surely the rest of them were of little import? Did he care whether Toph had forgiven him for burning her precious feet, or if Sokka (well, all of them, really) could see him as anything other than an old enemy? Did he care if Aang occasionally skipped practice and went to have fun with Teo, Haru and the Duke, or if the growing boys all got enough to eat? Did he care if Katara would still sometimes stare at him with a silent accusation in her eyes, or if it mattered that despite it all, she still left a bowl of food aside for him?

Zuko slumped, muffling a groan of despair in one hand.

Crap. He _did_ care. Now it would be even harder to leave them behind when he needed to return to the Fire Nation. He knew he would miss them something terrible; he would miss _this_, this growing familiarity in walls of previously unwelcoming moss and stone, this odd warmth that settled in him like a bellyful of delicious food whenever he witnessed them all together, laughing, teasing, caring.

_What do you call this? What do you call this feeling?_

A shout erupted from a nearby room, jolting Zuko from his thoughts. He heard the distinctive shrill of the easily-irritated Katara, and the low thrum of earth moving beneath his feet meant Toph was there too. Possibly the reason for Katara's irritation.

"You—You infuriating _brat_!"

Scratch that, _definitely_ the reason for Katara's irritation. Zuko sighed, and walked into the warfare—

—and barely missed being slapped in the face with a spray of mud. He dropped the basket and stared at the sight before him. When he had said they had found something _interesting_, this was not what he expected.

"Get a _grip_, Sugar Queen! It's not like we ever used this room anyway!" The tiny earth-bender stomped her foot in what would have looked like an act of childish rebellion, if not for the towers of stone lifting from the floor and walls at her command.

"It doesn't mean you can just change this place into a playground and leave it like that because you can't be bothered tidying up after yourself!" Katara slid down from one on a glacial slide, and sent a wave of water at Toph with a flick of her wrist. Toph, unable to sense the floating water, got drenched. With a growl of frustration, Toph charged, knocking both her and Katara into the mud. Aang hovered near the edge, torn between laughter and worry.

"Ugh! You're so full of it! We _would've _cleaned up later!"

"Oh really now. Well—"

"Guys, c'mon, please stop fighting—"

"_Shut it_, Aang!!"

"O-Ok, just ignore me...Zuko!"

The girls froze, and Katara peeked up over the lip of the mud basin that she and Toph had unwittingly formed. Seeing her supposed arch-nemesis standing there, she picked herself up with quickly recovered dignity.

"You're back. I hope you found something worthwhile with the time you should've spent training Aang." Katara wiped mud off herself, deeming it unnecessary to look Zuko in the eye, especially in this tousled state. Toph, however, had no such discretion. She leapt up and ran towards him, much like an eager puppy who had escaped into the garden on a rainy day.

"SPARKY! At last, some _sane_ company!"

("Hey!" "Sorry Twinkletoes, your sanity is debatable.")

"What's...going on?" Zuko blinked bemusedly at the scene – the amazing, albeit worthy of disapproval, playground made of caking mud; Aang standing in one corner, scratching the back of his head; Teo, Duke and Haru, covered in dirt and huddled behind a pillar; Katara knee-deep in a pool of gloopy mud, splattered all over with brown.

"Sugar Queen got anal. Again." Toph said blithely. Katara's hands froze in their movements. Literally. Fury all over her face, she stepped out of the mud bath and stomped over to the shifted himself in front of Toph, intent on stopping another round of mud-bending, bitchy insults and the possibility of hair-yanking and clothes-tearing.

...Ok, so perhaps not quite _intent_. Hoping to delay the inevitable, maybe. Anyway, this included _Toph_, who he thought of as a sister, and the other boys were watching too – hold on, did that mean they were watching beforehand too? Zuko began to doubt the integrity of Haru and Aang. He'd have to have a talk with those two...even though Katara's clothing wasn't torn, he could still see where mud and water had plastered her clothes to her curves—wait, since when did _Katara_ have _curves_? And why had he even notic—

"Stop." He said, more to himself than to the advancing threat. He held up his hands in what he hoped would be a peaceful maneuver to the water tribe girl. "Calm down, Katara."

"Oh, you're taking _her_ side, are you? Figured as much. Despite all that talk about honour, you'd take the side of any girl that hugged and flattered you."

Zuko's blood pressure hiked up a notch. Appeasement and forgiveness evaporated instantly. "That is NOT true!" He snapped, stepping forward to glare down at her. "I'm not taking sides!"

The spark in her eyes flared, and instead of backing down, she stayed true to form, glaring right back at him. "Oh, you're not? And what exactly were you planning to say after that '_Calm down Katara_'?"

Zuko paused. He hadn't really thought that far ahead, actually. "Uh, well..."

"'We should all be living peacefully and happily together'? 'That's so unladylike of you, Katara'? Or how about 'Katara, you shouldn't get so angry at Toph, even if she _so_ deserves it'?" With each anger-curled statement, Katara took a step closer, closing the distance till they were toe-to-toe with her leaning menacingly into his personal space. Zuko blinked down at her, panic struggling with anger in his eyes. "Next you'll be telling us that Azula and her two girlfriends have changed for the better, and the Fire Nation is _safe_. I don't care how good you are at _everything_ or how fatherly you are to our kids or the fact that everyone seems to _trust_ you now – you're still Zuko, _Fire Nation exile_ _extraordinaire_, and I doubt anything can change that." She finished with a small sneer.

Silence rang in the hall. When a full minute had passed without a peep from the others, Katara rocked back onto the balls of her feet, and glanced about uncertainly. Everyone had an aspect of shock on their face, except for Toph, who was smirking maniacally, and Zuko, whose face had turned into unreadable stone.

"Why is everyone so quiet? Was it something I said?"

She looked over at Aang, who simply blinked balefully back at her, and the other three looked at her as if she had grown a second head. In the end, a grinning Toph supplied, "Sweetness, you just had beautiful, snarky babies with Sparky." Her grin grew. "Sparky and Sweetness, huh? Has a nice ring to it."

Katara leapt back, her face aflame. "Toph! W-What do you...I was just...We didn't......" Her face paled as she recalled her impassioned smack-down on Zuko. ..._our kids_..._Oh Great Spirits_..."I didn't...I was caught up in the moment!" She turned back to Zuko and almost flinched at the intensity of his golden gaze. She couldn't help but turn away. "I didn't mean it like that!" Katara snapped, embarrassment getting the better of her tone. Toph almost purred.

"Then how _did_ you mean it?"

"ARGH!" Katara stamped out of the room, breathing out all but fire. They all watched as she tried to slam the door, found it too heavy and gave up in another snarl of aggravation.

Toph shifted her feet, then tugged on Zuko's sleeve. "I was kinda only joking. She got pretty upset... Sparky?"

Zuko shook his head and sighed. "Ok, fine, I'll have a talk to her." He picked up the scattered fruit and righted the basket. "Have a snack, but don't eat it all, save some space for dinner." Before he left, Zuko turned and made one last stern reminder. "And don't conveniently forget to clean this place up!"

His steps faded into the corridor, and a collective breath was let out. Hands reached into the basket, snagging fruit that went straight into mouths or deep into pockets for safe-keeping.

"Y'know...Zuko _does_ act like a father to us. A lot." Teo said thoughtfully.

"You mean he's sorta bossy and warm and nice and protects us?" The Duke grabbed for more fruit. "Is that what having a father is like?"

Haru rolled his eyes. "I'd rather not have a Fire nation father, even if he's trustworthy now. Besides, not only am I more mature than him, I'm also older."

Teo laughed. "That's cause of your furry caterpillar toplip!"

"Hey! No insulting my mustache! Get back here you punks!"

There were two left at the basket.

"Hey...Toph?"

Toph grunted.

"Do you really think...I mean, Sparky and...and Sweetness...did you mean it when you said..."

"Spit it out, Twinkletoes."

"Whenyousaidbabiesdidyoureallyreallymeanit?"

Toph, being absolutely awesome, picked up the meaning from within the jumble of words.

"Nah, I was just messing with Sugar Queen's head." Aang breathed. "...But she's a girl, and Sparky, well, being blind puts me right there in the hearts of the people. And I've walked through the streets with him – either Sparky's the lovechild of a saber-toothed moose lion and clown-rat, or he's got what it takes to get hearts picking up the beat."

Aang's heart crashed again. "Oh..."

Toph was silent, and Aang had the funny feeling she was reaching into _his_ heart and pulling out secrets from it's shards.

"...Well, anyway I'm glad that's over with! I think I'll go practice some bending now..."

He turned and ran – into a pillar of earth he knew hadn't been there before. One hand reached out and yanked him back with the strength of a thirteen year old earth-bending champion.

"Ow, Toph!"

"You think you're gonna go where you think I don't know where you're going but in reality I do know where you're going because I'm the Great Master Toph."

"Uhh...huh?"

"You've still got a lot of cleaning up to help me on. Don't think you can skip out!" Toph's hand slid down to his hand and grasped it with surprising gentleness. She smiled, squeezed reassuringly. "C'mon, Twinkletoes."

Aang didn't squeeze back. He didn't smile. But he followed as the blind girl led him, hand warm and steady and there in his.

* * *

"...Katara?"

"What, Zuko. Come to laugh at me? Poke fun?"

Zuko let out his (should be trademark by now) sigh and sidled into the room. Katara was at the other side, sitting on a windowsill and gazing out into the expanse outside, now lit by the warm wash of sunset.

"No. Toph asked me to talk to you."

"_Toph? _About _what_?"

"She wanted to apologize. She didn't mean what she said, she was only teasing, in her way." Zuko quickly slipped the half-lie into the air before things got nasty.

"If she wanted to apologize, she should've done this in person, instead of sending an errand boy."

Zuko felt his temper flare at the insult, but pushed and shoved it down. Deep breaths.

"_I_ need to talk to you. About what you said."

Immediately, a blush scarleted her cheeks. "If you mean that mistake I made about kids, there is _nothing_—"

"No, no, it's not that!" He felt his own blush crawl up his neck and was quick to stop her before things got awkward. Or, too awkward. "It's about what you said about me being an exile. Fire nation. Do you...still not trust me?"

Katara glanced sideways at him before returning her attentions out the window. Finally, she sighed, hugging her knees. "I...don't know, Zuko. I want to trust you. But I also know I've trusted you before...and you betrayed me. I can't be sure anymore."

Zuko's jaw clenched. _One_ mistake. One_ huge _mistake. Why had he been so _stupid_? "I've apologized—"

"I know! I know. And you continue to apologize, every day, through your actions. Don't think I haven't noticed. It's hard not to, you watch me like you expect my acceptance to drop from my mouth suddenly and be there for you to catch it."

Had he really been watching her _that_ much? "Sorry, I..."

"There you go again! I'm sick of it!" Her eyes blazed and he was almost reassured by their angry familiarity. "I don't want an apology. I'm not looking for an apology anymore."

"What do you want from me? What can I do?" The voice that came out of him sounded tired and resigned, as if wanting all this to end. But he knew he could, would, go to far further, if only she would at least tolerate him without picking fights all the damn time.

"There's nothing you can do. Not unless you can change the past." She growled, a strange mixture of cynicism and disappointment twisting her features. Somewhere inside him, Zuko felt the bite of something like fear and regret. Had it really been him that had hurt her so much?

Her slight form slumped against the sill, spent, tired. He stood there, watching her in silence, uncertainty glutting on his words. What _could_ he say, anyway? What could he say that wouldn't make her angrier? He hated this. He hated dealing with people.

If he was the Avatar, maybe he could've said something worth saying, something disarmingly charming.

If he was Toph, he could've eventually gotten back into her good graces with raw, compassionate truth.

If he were his uncle Iroh...he probably wouldn't have been dumb enough to get _into_ this kind of situation in the first place.

Zuko was none of these people. He had none of their charm, empathy, or worldly knowledge. He was awkward, tactless, temperamental and got into arguments when he couldn't handle the pressure. He wanted Katara to accept him for who he was. Why pretend to be anyone else?

"You were right, back then. I'm still the same. Only my priorities have changed. I won't chase the Avatar any longer. But it hasn't changed who I am." He took a step forward, eyes willing her to turn, to face him, to recognize him. She did turn, looking across at him, inscrutable. "I'll always be Zuko. Zuko the exiled prince, Zuko the scarred, Zuko of the Fire nation."

"Zuko the moody, the cross, the angsty." Katara smirked, getting down and leaning against the wall with a challenge in her crossed arms. "Zuko the strangely predictable. Zuko the extreme."

"Well, what about you?" He groused, mirroring her in crossing his arms...crossly. "Katara the self-righteous? Katara the bossy, the highly strung, the maternal?"

"Hey, I never asked to have my personality picked apart and dissected by _you_! And I am _not _self-righteous, nor am I bossy! I am none of those things! I _ask_ people to do things, I don't order them around like some...some, prince!"

"Oh, like I wasn't raised that way, unlike some backwater peasant! And who was the one who started the 'dissecting' of other people's personalities? I'd _hate_ to have to add hypocritical to that list too."

"HYPOCRITICAL? Why you—"

Her hand reached towards the cap of her water skin, but was stopped halfway. Zuko's hand gripped her wrist, and, for good measure it appeared, he had hold of her other wrist too. They both fell silent, stilled by memories of darkness, bargains, recovered treasures and pirates. Zuko tensed. There was something unsettling about having her so close to him. Something almost habitual, but also dangerous, curiously so. He could taste the heat in the air between them, feel the air moving between his lungs to hers and back again.

"...Why are you doing this, Zuko? Why are you here?" Katara peered into golden eyes, usually explosive in his expression, now, again, unreadable.

Zuko's grip loosened, but her wrists remained slack in his hands. "...It doesn't...it wouldn't matter. There are things you...you all don't know about me. Things none of you tried to find out."

The tension was stifling. It was Zuko who broke from the staring contest and turned away. "Dinners probably ready. You shouldn't skip it." He mumbled brusquely, before proceeding to walk out.

"Then tell me. Talk to me. I'm listening." Zuko stopped, halfway out the door.

"You wouldn't want to hear it. It's a sad little exiled prince's story." He said bitterly.

"Try me. I might happen to like sad little exiled prince stories." Katara replied softly, leaving an empty space at the end of her words, waiting.

Zuko struggled. There was a part of him that _wanted_, desperately, to tell his tale, to let go of something he hadn't realized he had held onto so tightly. And there was another part that scorned this waste of time, scorned him and his weak human heart. But Katara continued to wait, silent, patient. Maybe Zuko just wanted to fill the silence. Maybe he wanted to lift his burden a little. Zuko wasn't exactly the introspective type, so perhaps he'll never know exactly why he talked. Slowly, almost as if waiting for something in him to change his mind, he walked back and seated himself comfortably on the bed.

"...Fine. But don't say I didn't warn you."

And the words slid off his tongue, first viscous, abrupt, but slowly warming to the tempo of his memories. He spun his tale with artless precision, but not once did she complain. Katara was good at water-bending, but she was also an excellent listener. They sat, apart but closer than ever before. Time slipped from their minds, fleeing into the twilight, and when he had finished, Zuko's voice was hoarse.

"For all those years I chased an empty dream. I chased my honour and my father's love. But all I ever wanted was to go home, to someplace familiar, a place where my few measly happy memories existed." Zuko sagged a little. "And I gave it all up. What a stupid, ironic waste."

Katara slipped from the wall and made her way over to the bed. She stood before him, and the world seemed to stand still, holding its breath as they stared at each other. Katara was the first to relax. Something seemed to slip out of her, released into the night. She was no longer made of hard, unforgiving edges; her stance was no longer aggressive and combative.

"I think...I understand a little better now." She sat down beside him, turned her body towards his. "You were always looking backwards, to happier times. It blinkered you. I understand that feeling well. But now you're with us. You're looking towards the future, helping the world move forward."

Zuko seemed to deflate. "Yes...but I'm not sure I can ever return home. And...I'm not sure I want to."

"This is your home now Zuko. Your home is with us." Katara smiled at him, forgiveness in her fingertips as she brushed back the locks of hair covering his scar. He leaned into her touch, closing his eyes to revel in its warmth. There was an odd pain in his chest, all of raw, unfamiliar, wonderful, welcome.

It reminded him of warm nights around the fire, of closeness and trust, of friendship built from the broken house of war. And it was different too. It was different because of Katara. Or was it different because it _was_ Katara? Zuko neither knew nor cared.

_This is what it must be._

_This is home._


End file.
